Separation can complicate the family spirit of Christmas. You can make it a good time for everyone. Make this Christmas time when separated a one to remember. Here are some ideas.
Takeaways
- Choose the right communication channels.
- Don’t leave it to the last minute. Set a schedule in advance using a co-parenting app.
- Know each other’s boundaries so everyone can have a ball.
- New traditions are a great way to mark your separation as a new beginning, not an end.
- There are many ways to do the holidays. Choose one that fits your living situation.
- Acknowledge your feelings and do things that boost your mental and emotional health.
- Build a support network. Family, friends and social groups offer connection and community. Professional help can be useful, too.
Respectful communication
Let the children spend time with both parents. Keep communication with your spouse civil. You need to be able to communicate so you can coordinate your plans. Think of your relationship as a business relationship. If you’re anxious when receiving communication from a separated partner, refrain from replying instantly. Wait until you feel more in control. If texting, aim to respond with Hi (partner’s name) and end with Thanks (your name).
You don’t have to speak to each other if that’s too much conflict. Email may be better. Use plain language so there’s no room for misinterpretation.
Plan ahead
You don’t want any nasty surprises. Plan as much as you can ahead of the holidays. Leaving things to the last minute can cause tension.
Parenting apps are great. For example, Our Family Wizard app has a calendar, streamlined communication, and shared expenses, among other things, for co-parents.
Boundaries
Make sure both parties know each other’s expectations. There are many ways to set boundaries for a smooth and happy holiday period.
Gifts
Consider discussing what gifts each parent is getting for the children. This can prevent duplication of gifts or one-upmanship for their child’s attention. Setting a budget can help reduce stress.
Socialising
Co-parents may attend the same social gatherings. However, establishing new social connections separate from your ex-partner is often beneficial. Identify what topics should be avoided. Maintain a friendly atmosphere. Focus on your children. This isn’t an opportunity to complain about each other.
Online posts
You’ll want to share holiday memories on social media. Be mindful of each other’s privacy and what can and can’t be shared. Let your ex know if you don’t want to be tagged.
New traditions
Treat separation as a new beginning. New traditions are a great way to mark renewal. Here are some new traditions to try.
Personal enjoyment and growth
Spoil yourself. You might think, “I don’t need an excuse to do that”. But maybe you do. It’s easy to forget about your needs. Get a special meal. Do something you love. Volunteering connects you to the community. This will help you feel personal growth.
Look back on your achievements. Get a journal. Take time when you can to record your thoughts. Being grateful for your blessings is important for happiness. People who practice gratitude are more optimistic, goal-oriented, and happier. Use this journal to write down the things for which you are thankful. Journals aren’t for everyone. Don’t dismiss them too quickly. They help track your progress. That’s important for self-confidence. You’ll realise how much you’ve achieved when you write it down. Small wins count. Nothing is too trivial.
Another favourite is the free (no in app purchases) Happy Child – Parenting App. While you have some downtime, why not explore the app’s resources: videos, tips and questionnaires helping you to raise a happy, well-adjusted child.
Child-focused activities
There are many traditions that help your child enjoy the holidays. Hands-on activities like making ornaments, decorating Christmas cards and baking are fun things to do together.
Making new traditions work
Don’t try too many new traditions. You don’t have to start from scratch. Keep old traditions that fit with your new situation. Introduce small changes. Be flexible and let new traditions evolve.
Try different approaches
Here’s an example of how you can structure the holidays.
Alternate years
A common one is to alternate which parent the children spend the holidays with each year. This way, both parents can spend as much quality time as possible with the children fairly. But the parent who isn’t celebrating with their children should be able to have some contact during the holidays. This could be a video call or something else.
Half day
Maybe parents don’t want to go without Christmas with their children. Splitting the day each year gives both parents time with the kids every Christmas. This only works if the parents live close by to reduce travel. This can be stressful for the kids being shuttled between two homes at a busy time.
Week by week
Alternating weeks is similar to splitting Christmas Day. This might be an easier option if you live further away. Instead of concentrating celebrations on one day, giving each parent a week takes the pressure off and lets parents and children enjoy themselves. Consider alternating 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off, switching each year. This allows you to spend equal time with your kids and reduces the feeling of being pulled in different directions for them.
Shared celebrations
Some co-parents get along well. They could share the celebrations. This can make Christmas even more special for the children. This can be awkward. The approach works if you have good communication and planning.
Be flexible
Things change. Your spouse may need to alter the plans you’ve agreed to. Don’t make assumptions. It’s tempting to think they’re trying to disrupt your life. Be charitable. If you needed to renegotiate, you’d expect the same. Listen to their proposed changes. Find grounds for compromise.
Self-care
The holidays can be tough after separation. You’ll feel stressed by the emotional complexity of changing family dynamics. Take time to look after your mental and emotional health. Realise this is a time for you to grow into a better life.
Meditation
Meditation helps with relaxation and reduces stress hormones. You’ll get better sleep and improve your health. Regulate your emotions and clear your head. You make better decisions this way.
Exercise
Mental and emotional health is directly linked to physical health. Exercise does wonders for mental health. A simple exercise done regularly will increase your energy and mood over time. Regular exercise sessions with a friend help to keep you motivated to continue. You wouldn’t want to let them down, would you?
Be kind to yourself
It’s not your job to have the ‘perfect Christmas’. Spend time with your family and friends. Enjoy their company. Do you talk down to yourself? We can all be guilty of doing this sometimes.
- “I’m letting everyone down.”
- “My kids would rather spend time with them.”
- “I’ll just make Christmas a disaster for my kids.”
Consciously choose to reverse this habit. Be kinder to yourself. Practise self-affirmation because you are good enough.
Feel your emotions
Many who are recently separated feel lonely and sad. This is normal. You’ve experienced a great change. Acknowledge these feelings. This is part of healing.
Get support
Access a good support network. They’re a big help during stressful times. A support network can have many facets.
Friends and family
The people around you play a big part in your personal well-being. Your friends and family offer empathy and do things with you to provide social support.
Professional support
Counselling is safe and non-judgmental. You can work through tough times. They can provide the support that friends and family can’t. Being a neutral third party has advantages. Asking for professional support isn’t weak. It takes strength to ask for help.
Community groups
Community groups like Women’s and Men’s Sheds offer belonging and connection. This can be especially important at this time of year. These groups often organise events. Participate in holiday dinners, gift exchanges and festive activities. These events can help alleviate loneliness and isolation.
Support groups
There’s plenty of evidence for the benefits of support groups. It doesn’t matter what you’re experiencing. There are people who understand. Connect with peers. Support groups offer a deep well of experience. Learn from their collective wisdom.
In conclusion
Don’t fear the holidays after separation. It’s a time of joy and family. Make arrangements that work for co-parents and children. We hope this article helps you enjoy this time of year.
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